I Thank Them Five Times Afterward

It was a small thing and it took about ninety seconds.

And you thanked her when she finished. And again when she sat down. And again when she was leaving, at the door, with her coat half on. And you sent something afterward saying thank you again.

Four, at least. Sometimes five.

And you have started to notice something in the other person's face around the third one. Not annoyance. Something more like discomfort, and a small hurry to change the subject.

That is what brought you here, and it is worth taking seriously, because your instinct is right. Something is happening around the third thank you, and it is not what you intended.

Here is what I think is going on.

You are not thanking her. You are paying her. And gratitude and payment feel the same from the inside and look completely different from the outside.

Gratitude leaves both people lighter. Payment settles a debt, and settling a debt announces that there was one, and now the other person is standing in a room where she has been made a creditor without ever having asked to be.

What shall I render unto the LORD

There is a question in a psalm that sounds like it is about repayment, and it turns out to be about something else entirely.

What shall I render unto the LORD for all his benefits toward me? I will take the cup of salvation, and call upon the name of the LORD. (Psalm 116:12, King James Version)

He asks what he can give back. And then he answers his own question, and the answer is very strange if you expect it to be about repayment.

What shall I render. I will take.

You are receiving benefits you were never billed for, and no repayment has ever once been the thing that was actually asked for. Psalm 116:12 has a man ask what he shall render and answer by taking a cup, and the Holy Spirit is the one who makes that reversal land on somebody who has been trying to settle up.

Notice what taking the cup means in that psalm. It is the opposite of settling a debt. It is receiving more.

The answer to what shall I render turns out to be, receive again, and go on receiving, and let the giver go on being the giver.

You have been offered receiving where you expected to be handed a bill, and no giver in that psalm has ever once wanted the account balanced. The Holy Spirit is the one who keeps a person on the receiving side, and it is written that the rendering turned out to be a taking.

And notice the second half of his answer. Call upon the name of the LORD.

Which is asking for more. He answers a question about repayment by saying he will ask again.

You were never going to settle it, and no relationship of that kind has ever once been improved by one side trying to get even. The Spirit of God is the one who refuses to be paid back, and Scripture has the man answer by planning to call on Him again.

What the fifth thank you does

Now let me be concrete, because a general reassurance will not stop a habit that runs at a door with a coat half on.

Count what each one does. The first thank you is warm. It is received and it lands and everybody is pleased.

The second one is fine. It closes the moment.

The third one changes something. It tells the other person that the thing they did was larger than they thought it was. And most of the time they did not think it was large, so now they have to decide whether to correct you or accept a scale they do not agree with. By the fourth, they are managing you rather than being thanked.

You are handing somebody a job at the third one, and no repeated thanks has ever once made a helper feel more appreciated than the first one did. The Spirit of God is the one who counts what a habit is actually doing, and Psalm 116:12 answers a question about repayment by receiving instead.

And here is the second half, which is the one that matters most.

The fifth thank you is not really thanks. It is a request. Underneath it is asking for reassurance that the asking was not too much.

She hears the request, even if she could not name it, and now she has two jobs. Be thanked, and give reassurance. And nobody signed up for the second one.

Nobody ever told you that, and it is a gap in the teaching rather than anything about your heart.

You have been asking for reassurance in the shape of gratitude, and no helper on earth has ever once been able to give both at once comfortably. The written word puts the giver firmly on the giving side, and the Holy Spirit is the one who names what a fifth thank you is actually asking for.

Once, and then change the subject

Now the small thing, and it is a subtraction with a replacement.

I am not going to ask you to be less grateful. The gratitude is real and it is one of the good things about you and it is not going anywhere.

Say thank you once for the next thing anybody does, and then change the subject.

You are able to say it once and mean the whole of it, and one warm thank you has never once been less than a person wanted. Psalm 116:12 answers repayment with receiving, and the Holy Spirit is the one present when a woman lets a debt stay unsettled.

Say it properly. Look at them. Mean it. Once.

Then change the subject, immediately, to something ordinary. The weather, the cat, what somebody said last week.

The changing of the subject is the important half and it is the part nobody would think of. It is what tells the room that the moment is closed and nothing is outstanding.

Because at the moment the moment never closes, and it never closes because you keep reopening it to check whether it is all right.

You are closing a moment rather than checking it, and one ordinary sentence about the weather has never once been ingratitude in anybody. The Spirit of God is the one who lets a person put something down without checking it twice, and it is written that the answer to a benefit is to take the cup and call again.