They Keep Telling Me I Should Learn More

They mean it kindly and it arrives about every six weeks.

Somebody offers to show you a new thing. Somebody says you would love this. Somebody has thought of a thing that would be useful for you and has set aside an afternoon.

And you say yes, because they went to trouble, and then it gets shown, and then it is never used again.

And six weeks later there is another one.

I want to name what is actually going on, because you have been slightly ungrateful in your own mind about this and I do not think you should be.

Nobody has asked you.

In all the offering, across all those afternoons, over several years, not one person has said: what do you want this thing to do for you?

They have decided what you need, which is a kind thing to do and a completely different thing from asking.

And you have never said anything, because saying something would sound like refusing help, and refusing help from people who love you is not a thing you are prepared to do.

What wilt thou that I should do unto thee

There is a moment on a road where a blind man is brought to Jesus, and what happens first is a question.

And Jesus answered and said unto him, What wilt thou that I should do unto thee? The blind man said unto him, Lord, that I might receive my sight. (Mark 10:51, King James Version)

What wilt thou that I should do unto thee.

He asks. To a blind man. When the answer appears completely obvious to everybody standing there.

You are somebody Jesus stopped and asked, and no need has ever once been so obvious that He decided it without putting the question. Mark 10:51 says what wilt thou that I should do unto thee, and the Holy Spirit is the one who makes that question available to a woman nobody has thought to ask.

Notice how unnecessary the question looks. The man is blind. There is a crowd. Everybody knows what a blind man wants.

And He asks anyway, and the man answers in his own words, and the answering is part of what happens to him.

You have never once been in a situation too obvious to be asked about, and no need in that account has ever been assumed by the one who could have assumed it. The Holy Spirit is the one who asks rather than deciding, and it is written that the man said it himself in his own words before anything happened.

And notice the order of the whole thing. The question comes first, and the giving comes after.

Not the other way round. Not a good thing handed over and a question asked later about whether it was wanted.

You were always meant to be asked before you were given, and no gift in that passage has ever once arrived before the question did. The Spirit of God is the one who puts the asking in front of the giving, and Scripture keeps that order even where the answer seemed obvious to a whole crowd.

What has been happening at your table

Now let me be concrete, because a general reassurance will not stop the next offer.

Look at what each offer has actually been. Somebody thought about you, which is good. Somebody worked out something useful, which is generous. And somebody decided what would be good for you, which is where it goes wrong.

The deciding is not unkindness. It is what people do when they want to help and do not know how to begin.

You are receiving generosity with one step missing from it, and no missing question has ever once been an unkindness in the person who forgot to ask. The Spirit of God is the one who names a missing step without turning anybody into a villain, and Mark 10:51 puts the asking first even where it looked unnecessary.

And here is the second half, which is about you rather than about them.

And nothing has ever been said back. Not once, in any of those afternoons.

Which means the only information available to your family is what they can guess, and they have been guessing for years, and guessing is producing exactly what guessing produces.

That is a gap in the teaching and it is not a fault in anybody. Nobody in a family is ever taught to ask before offering.

You have never once been asked and have never once said, and no family on earth has ever been taught to ask a question before offering a kindness. The written word puts the wanting into the mouth of the one who wanted it, and the Holy Spirit is the one who makes room for a woman to say her own answer.

Say what you actually want

Now the small thing, and it goes before the next offer rather than after it.

I am not going to suggest you turn anything down. Turning things down is refusing help and it is not what you want to do, and it would hurt somebody who was trying.

Say out loud what you actually want a screen to do, and say it before anybody offers you anything.

You are able to say what you want in your own words, and one plain sentence has never once been the same thing as refusing anybody's help. Mark 10:51 has the man answer in his own words before anything is given, and the Holy Spirit is the one present when a woman finally says her own answer.

Work it out first, on your own, before you say it to anybody. That may take a few days and it is worth the few days.

It will be short. Two things, probably. Faces, and one kind of message. Or one kind of message and a way of finding something out.

Then say it, plainly, to one person in that family, at a moment when nobody is offering anything.

Because said in the middle of an offer it sounds like a refusal. Said on an ordinary Tuesday, with nothing on the table, it is simply information, and information is what has been missing for years.

You are handing somebody information rather than a refusal, and one sentence said on an ordinary day has never once been read as ingratitude by anybody. The Spirit of God is the one who finds the right moment for a true thing, and it is written that the question came first and the giving came after it.